Heads up EWC readers: The Iron Chef, our Taiwan-based MVP and Tai-Da University med school braniac, has unleashed a cameo venomous diatribe against Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner and fans making lame pleas that somehow baseball’s rules and the NL are to blame for Wang Chien-Ming’s recent injury. Duck and cover!

Note: EWC takes no responsibility whatsoever for anything written in this article. They are Chef’s words alone. Just making that abundantly clear:

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Us Chinese have a proverb: if one cannot tolerate the heat, then one shalt not order the Kung Po Chicken. This chink here thinks Hank has ordered too much spice for her ass to handle.

Hank Steinbrenner really should come on the intarwebs more often. I mean, the princess herself really shouldn’t be locked away in the palace all day. She needs to hear the voice of the people. The economy is bad, Cano is hitting .240, a Black person might become president, shouldn’t somebody be held responsible for this?
If Hank was on the internet more often, and listened to the people, she’d also know this Chinese Proverb:

If you don’t like the show, then change the Foulkeing channel.

If your pitchers get hurt swinging the bat then don’t swing the Foulkeing bat.
If your pitchers get hurt running the bases, then don’t run the Foulkeing bases.

The National League may be bush, but they do have a rule that allows the use of a pinch runner. Also, there is no minimum speed limit on the basepaths. Nobody is making anybody run anything. Look at half the Red Sox 2004 World Series team, Kevin Millar “Runs” the bases? Look at Manny Ramirez jogging to 1st base on a ground ball. I mean, he’s jogging all the way to the HOF.

“Baserunning is dangerous for a pitcher”. Sure, I guess that’s true, if you’re running the bases on the 38th parallel. Yet Dae-Sung Koo still manages to score against the Yankees on a bunt when he was on SECOND BASE. The Yankees should be thankful that Wang got hurt while running the bases, and not injured while flying his plane. (Note: me and ACR have made so many Cory Lidle jokes over the past 2 years, we’re fully expecting defamation lawsuits from Cessna. Although they really have no reason to sue us, Cessna really isn’t responsible for pilot error)

Although Ian Kennedy would never get hurt if he pitched even if the Yankees were a full-time National League team. Because by the time the pitcher’s spot was due up in the 2nd or 3rd inning, the pitcher coming up to hit for the Yankees is probably Ohlendorf.

This is what they told us before we became interns:

If you don’t like it, then don’t come, you just can’t graduate.
If you don’t like the National League Hank, either shut up, forfeit, or buy the Foulkeing National League. Hank, if you really had a pair, you’d ask for much more than just the adoption of the DH by the NL. Here are the list of things I think Hank should ask for from the National League:

1) The Yankees DH at every National League park should be allowed to play defense, to become the 10th rover. This way the Yankees could put Shelley “Three True Outcomes” Duncan between A-Rod and Jeter.

2) That every single NL stadium be sold to the Steinbrenners, and a mechanical mobile fence built at every stadium. When the Yankees hit, the fence is moved in. When the National League home team hits, the fences are moved back and are raised by 10 extra feet.

3) No National League Team is allowed to field any Dominicans against the Yankees. Because Dominicans are terrorists.

4) The Yankees get 5 outs per inning while the National League team only gets 2, and the Yankees start every game up 3 runs. I mean, the Yankees are going to win anyway, so we might as well make this quick and easy.

Lastly, Foulke you morons in Taiwan for agreeing with Hank. Sure, we may take dumps on National League baseball all the time here, but we mostly take dumps on Chistovty former Red Sox player, who still manage to suck in the NL. If you don’t like the National League, then don’t watch it, and don’t take a dump on it because you’re too stupid to understand a double-switch. Remember, a double-switch is something Terry Francona can actually EXECUTE in real life, so if that’s beyond your comprehension, then Foulke you.

If you don’t like the NL, then don’t Foulkeing watch it. If you want to watch sports filled with specialization, then watch the Foulkeing NFL. You’ve got an offensive team, a defensive team, and a “Special” team. Of course, Hank could always ask for the MLB to adopt this policy allowing the Yankees to field 9 players for defense, 9 different players to hit, and 9 other players for baserunning purposes.

Btw, this is what would happen if a decent Taiwanese player ever made the NFL:
“Dude, Ching-Chong Gook is so fast, why is he only playing safety? Why is he not also the wide receiver? Are you stupid white man manager with large nose?” Of course, if the team ever got really shorthanded one day and the player actually had to play wide receiver and got hurt, that cracker is Foulkeed.

In Conclusion, the American Government should pay slave reparations for the Asians that built the railroads, and award Wang a purple heart.