I like subject of this article — the fact that Dodgers GM Ned Colletti isn’t doing a very good job, but this a very weird column by the LA Times T.J. Simers. Seems like a prime target for a FJMing…I’ll try to avoid doing it in that style, but it’s hard not to.

The article sub-headline is:

From trades to free-agent signings, a look back is far from a good thing but one major front-office voice disagrees.

So the front-office voice thinks a look back is a good thing? What a weird and convoluted way to introduce an article that seems to quote from Colletti, Joe Torre and for all I know, the author himself.

You might want to hold your nose.

Angel Berroa. Mark Sweeney. Scott Proctor. Thomas Perez. Brady Clark. Marlon Anderson. Julio Lugo. Greg Maddux. Wilson Betemit. Elmer Dessens. B.J. LaMura. Mark Hendrickson. Toby Hall. Ben Kozlowski. Danys Baez. Jae Sao. Tim Hamulack. Lance Carter. And Andre Ethier for Milton Bradley — Bradley tied with Alex Rodriguez early Tuesday for the best batting average in the American League.

And now comes word Ned Colletti will be in meetings all afternoon, maybe the scariest news a Dodgers fan can hear these days if he’s in there working on another trade before the July 31 deadline.

Look at the list of what Colletti has acquired since being hired in late 2005, and that doesn’t include Esteban Loaiza plucked off waivers for $7 million, or the free-agent disasters.

Colletti’s free agent signings — Andruw Jones, Jason Schmidt and Juan Pierre — have been far worse than the trades he’s made. Granted, none of the players listed above worked out terribly well at the end of the day, but do we really want to say bringing Greg Maddux to Dodger Stadium for Cesar Izturis was a bad idea? Elmer Dessens was eventually traded for Brady Clark. So is he mad the Dodgers traded for Dessens or traded that they traded him away for Clark? Both? Or maybe he has no idea. Getting Andre Ethier for Milton Bradley was a arguably a very good trade, considering the A’s eventually released Bradley. Who the heck at the foresight that Bradley would keep it together and lead the league in hitting? Danys Baez? Jae Sao? Who wasn’t surprised those guys didn’t work out better?

This guy came up with his angle — Colletti is a bad GM and the trade deadline is kind of approaching — and then he wrote his wild and crazy column….then he went back and looked up the trades Colletti had actually made. Ooops! Not that bad. Oh well, column’s done! 

“Hey, I was right there with Brian Cashman when we brought in Carl Pavano,” said Dodgers Manager Joe Torre in trying to defend Colletti, and isn’t that encouraging news, two guys now with no eye for talent putting their heads together to plot the Dodgers’ future.

Wow, that’s a rip on Torre. I tend to agree, but wait till you see what he calls Torre later.

The phone rings, and it’s Colletti. “Please, please, no more trades,” I begin, while suggesting a vacation that might take him overseas for the next few weeks.

“I’ve never been to Europe,” he says, and I think we could get a collection going and make that happen.

Is this some kind of fantasy columnist-calls-GM phone call? Did he really say this? Or is he just quoting Colletti and then going behind his back in this absurd, conniving way to create this not very funny faux-situation?

“Some of those are minor league deals and I had nothing to do with them,” Colletti protests when I mention his trading track record, and while I find it odd the Dodgers’ GM doesn’t have final approval of all deals, he adds, “The player development people made five or six of those.”

Nice. Colletti throws his player development people under the bus — assuming this is a real quote and not part of the columnist-European-trip-fantasy.

“Most fans probably have you pegged as a GM who hasn’t done a very good job of bringing in talent,” I suggest, and he disagrees.

“I don’t know if that’s fact or fiction,” he says. “That’s your opinion.”

Fact or fiction? Seems more like a question of right or wrong. Or, maybe the writer just decided to make up everything surrounding the quote. Or maybe the whole thing is made up and “fact or fiction” is him tipping his brown derby. Whatever, it’s not funny.

I offer to put it to the readers, but obviously so much hinges on the likes of Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Schmidt and Andruw Jones, and so a blindfold, please for Colletti.

I can’t stand this kind of vaudevillian prose. And I like the fact that he doesn’t mention Pierre, but mentions Garciaparra, who won Comeback Player of the Year with the Dodgers.

Then again, the Dodgers could have those three players, Brad Penny and Rafael Furcal back by the trading deadline, giving the Dodgers the chance to win a division title — taking into consideration the level of competition in the West.

So what’s your point now T.J.? That this is a team that’s just a few healed players away from winning a division title?

In other words, “as long as I don’t foul it up by making a trade,” Colletti says, and had Dan Evans and Kevin Malone been so quick, they might still be here.

Can’t believe Colletti said that. A funny thing about putting things in quotes in newspapers T.J….people tend to think that what’s inside them was actually said.

“The team needs to get healthy so we can figure out if we need any more help,” he says. “We definitely need to play better. We need a better feel and plan at bat. We’ve pitched pretty well and our bullpen has held up pretty well.

“But constituted as we are today and the approach we’re taking at the plate, it’d be a tough go the rest of the way.”

So wait, this sounds like a real quote again. Constituted? Does Colletti really talk like this?

The Dodgers have God as manager, though, so why wouldn’t they be taking the proper approach at home plate 75 games into the season?

So now he’s slamming Colletti for hiring Torre and dispatching Grady Little in the way he did. Right?

“Let’s not go with that [nickname],” Torre says. “What was it you called me the other day?”

Wha? Now he’s quoting Torre on this? So he does think Torre is a God?

“The great Joe Torre.”

“Let’s go with that,” Torre says with a laugh, and OK, so the great Joe Torre apparently is getting nowhere when it comes to managing the ability of his players at home plate.

I’m getting the idea that this Simers guy is getting drunk at night and then calling these guys up and confounding them with some seriously weird shit. Either that or he’s calling them up and they’re already drunk. “Hi God, what do you think of the guys approach at the plate? What’s the constitution of these guys? Are they going to Europe?”

“We have to find a better way to communicate,” he admits. “I’m concerned as Ned is; we need to be more consistent. Damn right 75 games is a long time, and so we have to find a better way to explain it so they understand.”

Torre says he likes the approach Juan Pierre and Jeff Kent take, and Russell Martin does well at times, but the rest of the Dodgers’ lineup is too impatient and swings at too many bad pitches.

Wait, I thought this was an article about Colletti making bad trades.

Some of it is the young players inexperience and more so — their stubbornness to change what has worked for them in the minor leagues. So 75 games into the season, the Dodgers have been unable to find a winning rhythm on offense.

Put it all together, and you have a GM who has yet to identify talent, a high-priced manager who has yet to make a connection with the talent brought in by previous GMs and the Diamondbacks just lost again.

So far, the Dodgers’ idea of a winning formula.

Better than your idea of a winning column, dude.