By David Chalk

Tuesday afternoon, I was at work reading one of New York’s two free daily papers (the one that’s not owned and operated by Swedish racists, of course) when I saw this shocking little blurb:

“The tote bags at the Strand bookstore in Manhattan, which come in more than 30 designs, were voted the No. 1 souvenir to bring home to Japan by New York readers of Nikkei, a Japanese financial newspaper.”

I was surprised and a little pissed because The Strand bookstore is one of my least favorite places in the greatest city in the world.

The main Strand store is on 12th and Broadway, by Union Square and boasts “18 Miles Of Books.” While primarily a used book store, the store layout is hardly a book-lover’s dream.

Actually the inside is about how I would imagine the Nazis would have stored books before burning them en masse. It’s jam-packed with metal floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, with books crammed everywhere with virtually no sign of organization.

Back in the day, I used to go in there looking for specific books, or even authors — you should never do this. It is impossible. The store is specifically designed to lure you in and make you overpay for crap you don’t want or need but you will eventually settle for after wasting a ton of time looking for something interesting or for that ever-elusive decent bargain. And really, the books are almost entirely crap, especially anything that’s cheap. The selection and prices are no better, and probably worse than, the bargain books section at any Borders or Barnes & Nobles.

Besides the Broadway store, there’s also a second Strand store on Fulton Street that isn’t so bad and is much closer to the financial district — I used to work by it, and I’ve bought a few gifts there in recent months. Not frickin’ tote bags mind you: books and a calendar. The Fulton St. store is much better lit and spaced out, and it doesn’t make me claustrophobic like the Broadway location. Mostly though I just go in to use their restroom. I’m hoping most of Nikkei’s New York readers are familiar with the smaller store or they wouldn’t want to help promote the evil clusterfuck that is the main store.

Still, I don’t understand any tote bag as a souvenir gift, much less one from New York’s most overrated used bookstore. The Strand website says that one of their totes (which goes for $8.95) has been featured in Lucky Magazine! It also says you get a free tote bag if you buy two books. So is the appeal just that it’s cheap — or free — and no one really knows what it is? It’s just a tote bag with their stupid oval logo.

Is it the “18 Miles Of Books” — is that supposed to be a sign of intelligence? Kind of like the tote bag equivalent of trying to be seen in Starbucks with your laptop or a book of haiku? To me a bag with “18 Miles Of Books” on it just sounds like I have a tote bag from the used bookstore equivalent of The Mall Of America.

If it’s just cool because it says New York but doesn’t look as touristy I could kind of see that. I just feel like I have a responsibility to educate the people of Japan, and really of the world, on the true nature of Strand.

In addition to what I’ve said above, it’s stupid to give a Strand tote bag as a souvenir gift, because Strand hates Christmas. From a Slate article on corporate scrooges:

The lamest party ever? There are surely many contenders. But this one ranks high on my list. A former employee of Manhattan’s legendary Strand Bookstore writes that the store treats its staffers to a holiday party, before the 18 miles of shelves are open to the public, from 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. “Few employees actually attend,” the ex-Strander writes, “given that to do so would have them arriving at their workplace a full hour early to eat bagels in dismal surroundings with their coworkers.”

At this point, some of you might be wondering why I feel so strongly about a stupid, very large bookstore. Well, I really love New York, and the Strand is a perfect example of everything that I don’t love about New York.

In late 2006, the legendary CBGB’s closed because its founder the late Hilly Kristal didn’t want to charge ridiculous prices for tickets and drinks just to be able to pay his landlord’s increased rent. This Spring the space becomes a high-end men’s fashion store.

A place like CBGB’s is gone, but Strand thrives because it stands for nothing except finding ways to separate you from as much of your money as humanly possible. Please consider all of this before gifting one of their shitty tote bags.

David Chalk writes  about baseball for Bugs and Cranks, and  culture and international affairs for ABCD Films and TurkishHour.com.