Note: We here at East Windup Chronicle are proud to announce a periodic hockey column by Canadian Wayne Maclean. Wayne lives in Fort McMurray, Alberta and claims he ”could skate before he could walk.” He’ll predominantly focus on Asian hockey players. Welcome Wayne.

Hey folks. Wayne Maclean here comin’ at ya from the Great White North, where the ice is thick, like Gary Bettman’s head. You heard me. Anyhow, in nine games this season, St. Louis Blues left-winger Paul Kariya has already posted 15 assists, while his goal total stands at five. Now I understand that those there numbers don’t look that impressive in the land of touchdowns and slam dunks, of grand slams and TKOs (never mind that last reference) but to many of us up here north of the 49^th parallel, those numbers look mighty impressive, in fact, belying as they do an innate talent for giving. You take that however you want.

True enough, Kariya is half-Japanese, but make no mistake about it boys and girls, this here left-winger is a cold blooded Canuck through and through, and before his days playing with the Blues, Predators, Avalanche, and perhaps most dubiously, the Mighty Ducks, he was a young buck coming of age in North Vancouver, British Columbia. And why do I call his days spent with the Mighty Ducks dubious, you ask? Well, more on that anon…

Now, unknown to many living outside the Canadian Dominion is the fact that Kariya led the Canadian National Team to a mesmerizing gold medal in 2002 alongside Mario, Martin, Joe and Theoren. That’s Lemieux, Brodeur, Sakic and Fleury respectively, for those living in, oh, let’s say Anaheim. And that night, like so many of my fellow McMurrayites, I was in a pub, looking up at the screen with the tears just a-running down my flushed cheeks, as the team proudly received its well earned gold medals.

Today Kariya is in St. Louis, which as far as NHL franchises go, is one of the older ones, and so might be called legitimate. And this is why I use the word dubious in reference to the Mighty Quacks of Anaheim. A team that derived from a movie? Are you kidding me? They wouldn’t know hockey from curling in Anaheim. Or Bocce, for that matter. Please. And while I’m on it, The Nashville Predators aren’t much better either. I mean, let’s be honest here folks–Nashville knows hockey like James Denton knows acting. That’s right. Blow it out yer ear, Jimmy.

So one might say that our boy Kariya fell upon some bad luck in this regard, and I for one would say that it’s “aboot” high time he came back home. Because in all seriousness, if I were starting an NHL expansion team in, say, Halifax, I just might look to the Argyle Secondary School graduate, Paul Kariya, to lead such an unlikely winner. I know it’s not a popular choice, but I think if put in the right situation, that is, back on his native soil, we might very well see him return to the winning form that he displayed in 1996, wherein he won the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy award. Remember that? Of course you do. Indeed, with Kariya flying out on left-wing, we’d make a strong push for the cup. The line-up would be so incredible, in fact, that generic drugs wouldn’t be the only thing sicko got off his fat arse to cross the border for anymore, I can tell ya that much. And then what, eh? Well, I’ll tell ya what then. Then we’d have a kerfuffle on our hands, that’s what. The Oregon Question all over again. Lordy.

Anyhow, next time we’ll update Kariya’s season and get into some other Asian hockey play. So till then, keep your sticks on the ice and your heads up, unless you want to end up like our poor fella here:

Here’s to pucks in your Poutine, Stevens, you dirty prick.