Originally from Cottonwood, California Mike Bell was a former minor league prospect with an MLB team, later playing for semi-pro teams in the United States and Japan. He currently teaches English at Hi My Language School outside of Bangkok, Thailand. Mike’s hobbies include Internet, going to parties, and playing the baseball simulation game Baseball Mogul. 

Mike has agreed to present a semi-regular missive for East Windup Chronicle where he will hone his former playing experience and savvy into a semi-regular column about baseball and his life. Welcome to the fold Mike.

It might be cold where you are but here in Thailand it’s pretty damn hot all year round. But when I say hot I’m talking hot stove, and when I say hot stove I’m talkin’ getting it cranked up ALL year long, every day when I’m not teaching little rats the difference between “airplane” and “trepane.” The less said about that the better.

The owners of this site (whom I’ve never met) gave me some suggestions in doing this column — to maybe start off with a personal anctedote and then to “weave” in some baseball analysis. Well, listen, I’ve got plenty of analysis coming, especially with this hot stove all fired up at the Winter Meetings in Nashville. So for this week I’ll skip the weekend missions to Bangkok on the Wild Turkey Express (etc.) and get right to the analysis.

Guillen and Royals reach preliminary agreement on $36 million, 3-year deal

Listen. Are you sh*tting me? Jose Guillen. This is a guy who’s played for NINE teams. And, he’s on the steroid wagon 2003-05. Now, he’s gonna miss time in 2008!

Sounds like a schmuck to me, but sounds good for GM Dayton Moore. I don’t care if he’s got a cannon or a goddamn rocket launcher for an arm. How does this sound for 2008 Mr. Moore? .251/.311/.402/ over 128 games. And a paltry 16 dingers.  

It gets worse in 2009, buster. Get our your 10 fingers Mr. Moore because in 2009 that’s all you’ll need to count Jose Guillen’s seven home runs. Plus, you’ve got a .558…no, that’s not slugging…but OPS to look forward to. In 2010 severe elbow tendonitis develops…out 3 months. Nice way to round out a contract year. Retired: 2011. Nice move Dayton.

Analysis:I recently started a Mogul sim where I’m GM-ing the L.A. Dodgers circa 2012 . I picked the Dodgers because during the last four years they’ve finished as follows:

2008 - 4th place
2009 - 3rd place
2010 - 5th place
2011 - 4th place

Now, I’m no Dayton Moore, but I can tell you, as I head into my first off-season as GM, I won’t be throwing $36 mil at ex-steroid-heads that have played for eight teams. By the way we’re 1-1. Hu Ching Lung is my starting shortstop. Goodbye Furcal!

Rays trade outfielder Elijah Dukes to Nationals

What can you say? Some guys can do it all in the minors, but just can’t put it together under the big lights. Some say I had the same problem. I’ve got not problem telling you that. Five years averaging less than five errors per in left sounds pretty decent, even for low-A ball. But not when your career ave. falls below your weight. Anyway, I’ve got plenty to be thankful for these days. Beautiful weather here in Thailand.

Elijah Dukes…villianified, perhaps. There’s not all that big difference between a 17 and 18-year-old girl if you ask me. But rules are rules. I was never made to follow them much myself, I learned the hard way, and I guess that’s how I ended up where I am today. My ex-wife would say as much. Anyway, Duke…he hit 10 HR for Tampa in 2007. Then he heads to the minors and it’s 49-51. That’s not a Van Halen album. Those are Elijah’s HR totals in the minors 2008-2009. Sounds like a star, doesn’t it? Sadly, no, because by 2011 this is a career .145 hitter in the majors. What can I say?

Analysis:Mr. Dukes to D.C. could pay dividends for Mr. Bowden, who’s giving himself quite a reputation for reclamation projects. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Dukes, Bonds, me, whomever. Don’t we.

He’s got the talent. Bowden’s giving him a second chance. That could pay off or it could cost him his job. Can’t say I’m not hoping for the latter, but anyway… 

The Florida Marlins trade Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willisto the Detroit Tigers for Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller, Mike Rabelo, Burke Badenhop, Eulogio De La Cruz and Dallas Trahern

Wow. Now that’s a hot stove. Just looking at this now on the screen has me staring down the end of the bottle of Mekhong. Damn. A lot to give up. Let’s start with Dontrelle. Fine boy, native of California like myself. Innings eater, funny uniform wearing. Not a fit for my team, but capable of putting together a 20-win season on a team like the Tigers. Won 22 games in 2005, don’t forget that. But then dropped to 12-12 and 10-13 the next two. See what I mean? In 2011 goes 16-7 with a 3.87. Not bad.

Cabrera is one of those fatjack Latin guys, though they say he’s slimming down. I’d like to say the same about myself but this bag of Cheetos tells me otherwise. I do get tired of the food here. How do you say “hold the f-ing cilantro in Thai”? Email me. Fat or not Cabrera is healthy…never played less than 158 games since his rookie year, including 162 in 2007, 2008, and 2009. I like it. .418 OPS in 2008.

What about these other guys? Andrew Miller. This guy looks like my son. Wow. Spitting image. Reminds me I better get some Christmas gifts together. Is he 21 yet? My son, that is. Miller is, but just barely. Supposedly has a tough slider on rightys and this mother is tall. Randy Johnson like. If he can bring it like THE UNIT then every-thing’s gonna be alright, child. Skid Row. Rabelo looks like a decent backup (somebody call the Mets!) and Maybin looks like he’ll never quite develop into what people think. Boy, sounds like a broken record to me. I’ve got Dallas Trahern going 7-0 in 2010 and 12-2 in 2011 in Triple-A. Keep an eye on him.

Analysis: This is the kind of deal that could make or break a GM’s career. I never trade this many players. And I never will. That’s a promise.    

Los Angeles Dodgers sign Andrew Jones to a $36.2 million, 2-year deal

Get out the confetti because Ned Coletti has come to town. Of course the party ain’t in downtown L.A. it’s in Scot Boras bedroom because homes just played the fool like a goddamn puppeteer. F*ck. Are you kidding me? Andrew Jones for $36 mil? This one has me dusting off the ol resume because this will hang Ned Coletti. Mark my words. The steroid era is over Ned and so is Andru…sure, he’ll struggle to keep his head over .300… OBP! I’m serious, check it out…2008-.306, 2009-.300, and 2010-.303. Wow.

Analysis: It’s getting late here in Thaaaaailaaaaand and this is giving me a ax worthy headache. I’m going to wrap this up and head out for a bite of nightlife. Listen, this is the kind of signing that gets guys canned. Bing! Bye bye. Out of sight out of mind. I’m standing as I type this. Call me Mr. O’Malley…(66 53)208271. 

Parting Shot: Peavy! My boy! Here’s a guy that could play for me. I could sit back up in them luxury boxes and let this guy fly every fourth or fifth day and know we were in good hands. Come on over to Thailand Jake if I don’t get there first! Let’s have a few…on you and your upcoming $51 mil extension! Ha ha! Just not on game nights. Ok, well, maybe.

Ok, thanks to EWC, this is Mike Bell and I am……outta here.