Ice Dancing. Ice. F–ing. Dancing.

(Note: The following ’sports’ included in the winter and summer olympics while baseball, aka world’s fourth most popular sport, is not: luge, snowboarding, an experimental variant of rugby known as sevens, synchronized swimming, BMX, canoe slalom, and beach volleyball.)

“I never saw myself as other than an Olympic champion,” Orser, now 48, said. “I never imagined not winning. Canada had hosted two Olympics and had no gold medals, the only host country not to win any. I took that personally. I felt I let everyone down.” Brian Orser, New York Times Feb. 20, 2010

The moment Coach Brian aficionados have been waiting for will soon be upon the world. On a cold Saturday night, Coach Brian disembarked a plane at Vancouver International Airport to be welcomed by a horde of screaming fans.

As his young pupil, Torontonian Yunna Kym, carried his bags several steps behind him, there was a palpable tension in the air all present could feel. This was a special night, very possibly the first of many special nights that could culminate later in the week with the crowning of Coach Brian as the greatest coach in figure skating history.

As a sea of waving Canadian flags were hustled to the sides by scores of husky security guards, Coach Brian walked straight ahead, focused and determined, a briefcase likely holding the blueprint for what could be figure skating history firmly cradled in his right arm. As he turned and whistled for his pupil to bring forth his bag, a cloud of frozen breath burst from between his lips, sending several flecks of spit into the air.

The world awaits. Mouths agape.

Coach Brian made a surprise announcement yesterday, shocking the media by choosing the James Bond theme song for his pupil’s short figure skating program at the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. Coach Brian’s dance director, David Wilson, has said soundtracks from such James Bond classic films as Thunderbolt, Die Another Day, and Dr. No, will be included in a medley.

The announcement generated great surprise from the Korean media in particular — which proceeded to write 169 articles on the subject within a 24 hour period. While the Bond theme is well-known, and many would say, commonplace, the move is revolutionary in the world of figure skating. As a juxtaposition, the other 199 contestants will be using some combination of Tchaikovsky and/or Rachmaninoff.

“Bond is Bond,” Coach Brian told the media at a recent press conference. “I wanted something different. Something fresh. I’m out to win this thing. Imagine my skater as one of those little pen guns. I’m going to be sneaky….but this is going to kill you. In a good way.”

Coach Brian has had his hands full keeping a sharp eye on his protege, Kim Yunn-a. It’s well known in ice skating circles that Kim is a bit of a scamp with a short-attention span and is prone to goofing off, as was revealed in this photo of she and Wilson, snapped last week.

At a recent press conference Coach Brian offered no comment on the photo, saying he was too busy preparing his disciple’s program for Vancouver to fully concentrate on what she’s doing off the ice. As he stood up and walked out of the press room members of the press then realized his penis was fully erect. The embarrassed Coach Brian told the media he’d eaten eel for lunch.

Perfection may be the only thing left for Coach Brian to shoot for. The coach of all coaches smashed the competition once again by utterly dominating the World Figure Skating Championships in Los Angeles. 

Before a sellout crowd Saturday night at the Staples Center, Coach Brian’s disciple won by a record score, crushing the field competition despite a spotty free skate — free skate being when the coach largely yeilds to the whims of the pupil.  

After a huge lead in the short program, the win was more coronation than competition. Coach Brian’s student finished with 207.71 total points, a record under figure skating’s current judging system, and was more than 16 points ahead of Joannie Rochette. 

From AP:

“I told her (Yuna Kim), there’s nobody else in this rink that knows what you’re going through except for me,” said her coach, Brian Orser. “I pointed to a few people in the rink and I said, ‘She doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. She doesn’t know. I know.’ The last thing you want to hear is, ‘You’re going to be fine.’ And you hear that all the time. ‘Oh, you’ll be fine, you’ll be fine.’ How do you know that? Nobody knows that.”

Coach Brian’s prime competition, Mao Asada of Japan, who was the 2007 world champion, came in a disappointing  third. When asked if the bitter rivalry between Canada and Japan made the win any sweeter Coach Brian refused to comment, but winked and was heard whistling “Oh Canada” as he walked out of the press room.

Former Olympic medalist Brian Orser is on a roll folks. Earlier this month his disciple set a new world record of 72.24 points at the 2009 Four Continents Figure Skating Championships, this after an extremely successful 2008 campaign that netted wins in both the Skate America and the Cup of China.

But it doesn’t stop there. The student, Asian figure skater Yuna Kim, who was born abroad but has lived and trained in Toronto for several years, holds the highest scores for both Short Program and Free Skating programs under the ISU Judging System. She is also the first skater to have received +2.00 ‘Grade of Execution’ for jumps under the new judging system.

How did Coach Brian pull this off?

Well, it’s likely you’ve known Coach Brian for quite some time. Known as “Mr. Triple Axel” for his consistency with the jump, he became the first man to land that jump at the Olympics when he landed it in his free skate at the 1984 Winter Olympics. He won the silver medal behind Scott Hamilton.

Heading into the 1988 Olympics, Coach Brian and Brian Boitano were thrust into the Battle of the Brians, each being the other’s main rival. Orser was undefeated in the 1986-1987 season and had not lost a competition since losing to Boitano at the 1986 Worlds. At the Olympics, Coach Brian proudly served as the flag-bearer for Canada during the opening ceremonies.

After a series of frustrations in 2005 and 2006, Coach Brian was brought in to take the young neophyte under his wing in his homebase of Toronto. While there were certainly hints that a great talent was on hand, under Coach Brian the tenderfoot has flourished and the Asian skater has become the favorite to win the gold medal at the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver.

Coach Brian is from Belleville, Ontario. “Belle ville” is French for beautiful city. The history of Belleville is a tragic one, and the city has long stood in the shadow of not only Toronto, but also its American neighbors just across Lake Ontario. However the inhabitants of Belleville are a proud race, and are well known for their perseverance and dedication. Today, there is no stronger evidence of this than Coach Brian’s successes on the world stage. In these troubled economic times, Coach Brian has been a beacon for Canadians who are in search of a ray of hope. 

Next up for Coach Brian? The ISU World Figure Skating Championships in Los Angeles starting March 22. Last year Kim Yu-na finished third at the event, coming in behind both Mao Asada of Japan and Italian Carolina Kostner.

No doubt Coach Brian was unsatisfied with the result and is hard at work getting his underling in tip top shape for the event. While the young Korean’s work ethic has never really been called into question publicly, she is extremely popular in her native country and has a number of sponsorship obligations that could potentially distract from the task at hand. Expect Coach Brian to have the teenager ready and prepared to compete in March.